10 Ways People Undercut their Happiness

By Sandi Smith

Are you short-circuiting your own happiness? Read on and see if any of these people sound like you or someone you know.

1. Their need to be right is stronger than their need to be related.

I know you've met this person: they have a strong need to prove they are smarter than you. Often, they are, but that's not the point here. It's so important to them to be right, to win the argument, to have it their way, that they distance themselves from others and then wonder why they're not happy.

How can you help this person see the light? It's likely they'll need a painful experiential shift to let go of the need to be better than others. Ego and fear are driving this person. Until this person is willing to be vulnerable, to admit that they are less than perfect, and to see the beauty in the interconnectedness of all things, their ego will continue to fight others rather than love them.

2. They look for external means of fulfilling happiness rather than internal means.

The person who needs to drive the fancier car, live in the fancier house, or wear the fancier suit is trying to fill an internal hole with external trinkets. The drug, alcohol, food, and shopping addicts as well as people in deep debt fall into this same category. They may be very disconnected with their real feelings. They may also have lost their purpose in life.

These people need to get back in touch with their own bodies and minds, listen to them, and adopt ways of finding peace internally. These include yoga, meditation, Qigong, Tai Chi, exercise, awareness, mindfulness, being in the present moment, and spending time alone. They need also to focus on emotions such as gratitude, love, happiness, and laughter.

3. Their need to reach the goal is more important than enjoying the journey.

Some people are so focused on the goal that they forget to live while they are working on the goal. This can make some people greedy or even rude to others as they push and fight their way to achievement. You can see this on a small scale in the grocery store or parking lot as someone butts in line in front of you. That person thinks they are more important than you: ego in charge again.

If you are this person, take a look at who you are to others and you'll see it's not very nice or mindful. Just remember to stop once in a while, smile, smell the roses as they say, look around, and remember the trite saying, "it's not about winning but how you play with others that counts."

4. They live their whole life looking for a shortcut or the quick fix instead of realizing that hard work is more fun in the long run.

You fall into this category if you are constantly playing the lottery, looking for things that are free or a bargain, spending all you time trying to get out of working, or otherwise cutting corners in your life. People who are on welfare and shouldn't be fall into this category. They think the joke is on the government, but it's really on them.

When you do this, you undercut your personal growth and development and your soul suffers. They don't realize what happens after they do find the shortcut or win the lottery. What are they going to fill the rest of their lives with?

When we spend the years it takes to learn to master a skill, our minds, or our bodies, we have a better chance of finding true happiness and meaning.

5. They think happiness is a goal and not a process.

Happiness is not something we can ever check off of our to-do lists. It's an emotion and we never reach emotions, we just feel them. We don't think the same way about love, anger, joy, laughter, or fear. "As soon as I buy that new car, I'll be ___ forever." This is a myth about how our emotions work. Our emotions are states to be experienced, not things to be achieved.

Being happy takes work, at least in the beginning until you can move it from a state to a trait, or personality characteristic. It requires doing things and being with others who make you feel good on an ongoing basis.

6. They have so much fear the happiness cannot get through.

A lot of people live in fear, but they don't label it as such. If you are stopped from doing the dreams you have in life or being the person you want to be in life, you have fear and it is holding you back.

The first step is to become aware of when you are stopped, what's stopping you, and what you're missing out on from being stopped. What would you gain if you could go forward? What's the worst that could happen if you moved forward? If you didn't?

7. They are happy, but it's a false sense of happiness from numbing anti-depressants.

Have you ever met the person who laughs everything off? They just went through a divorce or a bad breakup and it's OK? That person may be over-medicated. Fifteen percent of people living in the U.S. are on anti-depressants. These drugs are not an appropriate substitute for numbing the normal pains and grief we need to express in life.

8. They've spent all their lives taking care of others and have failed to care for themselves.

Some people, especially women, spend much of their lives caring for their husbands and children. They don't realize they are living through what makes their family happy without an idea of what makes them happy. These people can go years without realizing they are unhappy.

When the children leave or a divorce takes place, they are devastated and empty. They first need to reconnect with themselves, remember what used to make them happy before they became a caregiver, and recreate their lives.

9. Their thoughts are holding them back from happiness.

Many people have self-destructive thoughts that come into their minds constantly. This could be from a dysfunctional or abusive childhood, a bad relationship, an abusive boss, or genetics.

The key to getting your thoughts under control is to undergo a mental workout, which is similar to a physical workout, only on your brain. Any stress-reduction technique will ease the "monkey mind" as it's called: yoga, biofeedback, meditation, Qigong, hypnosis, exercise, and plenty of sleep will help tame the mind.

10. They believe money can buy happiness.

Money can buy happiness, up to a point. If you are starving, have nowhere to sleep, and do not have adequate clothing, money can help you feel more of these comforts. But once you have reached a certain level (which is much lower than most of us think it is), money no longer adds to our happiness. Although our personal wealth in the U.S. has increased by 40 percent in the last 50 years, our overall happiness has declined.

Take a look at what you want to be remembered for when they write your obituary. What do you want to have done in your life? How do you want to have lived? Most people know that riches lie in love and not money.

BrainWays offers happiness workshops in the Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas USA area. To book Sandi, call or email us.